After a meeting we had recently, my friend got so caught up on her cell phone. She was busy watching different video clips and other recorded messages. The different voice recordings attracted some people and we really became inquisitive. We were able to learn that all these were from one person who loved to play with my friend’s phone every time the person got a chance of accessing it.
This person never missed using the opportunity to pass on her feelings to the phone’s owner. As we clicked on each at a time, we were also interested in listening to what is happening. By the time we finished, some listeners became emotional. The story went on from watching the video clips to a discussion. There was an engagement from all of us. This was my friend’s 7-year-old daughter who was “accusing” her mom of neglecting her claiming to be busy.
The mom opened up about other clips she had deleted. In one clip, the girl was telling her , “why don’t you like to listen to me? Why do you like to leave me at home alone the whole day with Aunt (the maid)?” “You go early morning to work and come back in the evening saying you are tired and have no time for me” and many other issues.
This 7-year-old girl recorded herself, especially during the just-concluded holiday. She felt her mom didn’t care much about her. She was always at work and less at home. The mom believes the maid takes good care, but the girl feels her absence. When the girl is excited about mom’s return at home, the mom is also looking forward to having rest early in order to catch up with tomorrow’s work schedule or deadline. The drawing line is not there between the two.
Another friend who was sharing about his long-distance marriage and parenting challenges told us how he could come home after two months and his children would call him “Uncle”. Immediately after greeting “Uncle”, they would run away from his face and he would hear them say, when Dad comes here one day, we will tell him that “Uncle” checks on us. The explanations that he was their dad, and the gifts he could bring to show love fell on deaf ears! This traumatized him until he resigned from that job for the sake of his family. There have been video clips from kids about their absent parents.
In today’s competitive world, balancing work and family is not a joke. Survival for the fittest is the order of the day if our children must have a precious meal on the table, attend good schools among others and you are possibly the breadwinner. All this calls for fending for our families. Some people who work in Kampala sit for long hours in jam and reach home with fatigue. They desire to spare time with children, do homework together but they too have to wake up and be on road by 5:00am to catch up with jam. Life realities are challenging!
Nonetheless, all is not lost. There is something you can do to “balance the boat”. Planning is one key element. How do you allocate your time for work and family? How do you set your priorities between work and family and other engagements (church, networking, parties, meetings, etc)? Communicate your engagements with your children; do they know why you come home late after work? Do they know where you work and some challenges (like daily jam) you face?
Avail yourself even when you feel fatigued. Children prefer our presence to our presents. The time you offer them brings them closer to you. You need teamwork from your spouse to fill that vacuum. Handle the conflicting priorities together as a couple and with children. Utilize school visiting days and outings during holidays. Use weekends to have total fun with children to compensate for the week-long absence. Call home daily and talk to children as you do to your spouse. Use Skype or whatsapp video calls and let children talk to you live if you don’t stay daily.
At home, create time for daily devotions together and allow them to share testimonies, lead prayers, read scriptures. Encourage family meetings once in a while with your adult children that no longer stay with you daily or visit them regularly at their apartments. Respect office time (8-5pm) and spare time for your family.
Remember, no matter what, your family/marriage should take the first priority. You can be replaced on a job or change to another but you can never replace your family. Prioritize your family above all others.
The writer is a child advocate, parenting coach and marriage counselor
tumudickson@gmail.com
