Conflicts in marriage are very common and inevitable. However much couples love each other, there will be a certain time of misunderstanding, disagreement, mistrust, challenges, argument which can result into a conflict.
What differentiates one couple from the other is how they are able to resolve conflict before it escalates into something bigger and deeper – which can cause unending tension.
We need to recognize that we come from different backgrounds, we are trained differently, understand differently, don’t look at things the same way, have self-made ego. Some couples’ roles are not clarified in their families, some lack knowledge of their partners, other have personal differences. All these can be sources of conflict if not well handled and they can be worsened by poor or mis-communication between couples.
Some conflicts have helped couples to become stronger and to others, marriages have had terrible challenges to the extent of divorce, depression, death or suicide. But you don’t have to reach this far as a couple who started your journey on true love whether wedded or not. The reason the two of you came together was because you got hooked to each other for life.
However, most couples don’t easily recognize that there is a problem and it needs their immediate attention. The way you can see the manifestation of a conflict in your relationship/marriage is when it becomes hard for the two of you to sustain a conversation together.
Often times, you keep arguing over the same things all the time, you don’t feel free with each other anymore, you start to hide secrets from your partner, you feel relieved when he/she is away. To add to this, there are no more usual calls or lovely messages, and you can’t pray together. You can also know when there is no more sexual intimacy, stress, silence, prefers to talk to others more than to your spouse. Before you know it, the tone from your spouse changes, he/she responds as if you have quarreled, talks with anger, responds rudely, denial of sex, withdrawal, the man starts coming home late without explanation, each minds his/her own business, there is prolonged but untold anger. And the people around you whether children, house helps, workmates/colleagues start to get affected by your reactions/emotions.
Unresolved conflicts can affect your marriage/family and it can lead you to sin even before God. It is not something that you should take for granted. Ask yourself, what effects does unresolved conflict have on my marriage relationship? How about my family, workplace and my personal life? Why is hard to sit down and talk the issues with my spouse? How long will this unresolved conflict continue? How is it benefitting me if I don’t resolve it now?
There is nothing too hard for couples that they cannot solve if they recognize that there is conflict and if not resolved immediately, more challenges may emerge. So, start by recognizing it and appreciate that it is normal to have conflicts but they must stop. Engage your spouse immediately in a talk and bring out the issue properly and together forge away. Sometimes, your spouse may not easily recognize it and therefore, it takes you who have first known to be polite and humble enough to bring it on board. And as the one being told, listen before you are quick to react or become defensive.
Always agree on how you will handle any source of conflict in your marriage/family not matter how painful it may be. Understanding and valuing differences between the two of you is the first step toward resolving conflict. Be transparent when handling your issues and know that both of you are vulnerable and accountable to each other.
The bible is also very clear on how to deal with conflict. Ephesians 4: 26-27 “And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Don’t give room to the devil.” If you keep quiet and sleep with your conflict, it may lead you to get worse and sin. Speak now and stay safe. You need to manage your emotions during a conflict, check your motive/attitude, be patient to judge or react negatively, ask yourself if what you hear is true, or what you will is season. You should also know the proper time for you to bring out/solve the conflict. Read the moods of your spouse, forgive your spouse, be empathetic and know that in all marriages, conflicts are inevitable but it takes the two of you to solve them once and forever. Never again bring the past during the next time of solving another conflict. Remember, conflicts are very health for your growth and development if well managed.
The writer is a parenting coach and marriage counselor.
tumudickson@gmail.com
